I feel inspired!
Lina and
Cocomino both wrote recent posts about toilets, so I've decided to follow their sterling example. A toilet post is obligatory on any self-respecting Japan blog. Where else in the world has the toilet – called a
washlet in Japan – been elevated to such an art form?
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| I spotted this sign in a toilet at Kyū Shiba Rikyū Garden in Tokyo |
A thousand stories have been written about these electronic toilets that deliver a warm seat to a happy bum, warm water to other startled body parts, warm air to hitherto unknown regions and artificial flushing sounds to hide the real sounds. While this is happening, the toilet is reciting sonnets in iambic pentameter.
I don't want to add to the existing oeuvre. I'd rather write about Japan's rapidly disappearing squat toilet. When I arrived here, seven lifetimes ago, I liked squat toilets. It felt cleaner.
You need to know, gentlemen, that most woman dread sitting down on a public toilet seat. We hover mid-air, giving our thigh muscles a good workout. This fear was a daily reality in Africa; here in Japan it's mostly, but not entirely, absent. The squat toilet removes whatever concern remains: you have no choice but to hover like a hummingbird, however long it takes.
So it felt cleaner, and I was happy.
Then I realized that a squat toilet is a pain when you're wearing jeans (which I love) or long flowing skirts (which I also love), because it's difficult to keep the former out of the way and the latter off the floor, and … that floor … I'm afraid that floor can be rather icky, even in cleanliness-obsessed Japan.
Aim, ladies, aim! Don't copy men with their flailing fire hose approach! Mercenaries and women in toilets should follow the same simple rule: aim, shoot and get out.
Except that women don't, do they? They don't get out. They linger.
Sisters, for pity's sake,
what do you do in there?! It cannot take that long to pee, and based on all your other noises that are clearly audible despite the
Sound Princess, you don't seem to be doing anything more, um, solid.
So why does it take you forever to get out?!
I've worked in several different buildings where I shared restrooms with both Caucasian colleagues and Japanese office ladies. The difference is glaring: Caucasians go in, do their thing, wash their hands and get out. Young Japanese women go in and … disappear. Fifteen minutes later they reappear, and then they re-brush teeth, re-do make-up, re-do hair, check teeth, check make-up, check hair, and finally emerge like Amaterasu from her cave. They look considerably better than I do, but I refuse to faff: I could read half a novel in that time!
I don't even look at myself in the mirror. I know what I look like: nothing that will inspire a washlet to recite an ode to beauty. My male friends all say I'm the fastest toilet sprinter they know: no other women gets out as fast as I do. I feel honoured to hold that record.
Anyway, where wôs I?
Squat toilets. At the university where I teach, there are no squat toilets; in the office building where I do eikaiwa work, there's a smallish restroom on our floor with one squat toilet and one Western toilet. Nobody uses the squat toilet, not even Japanese women. We all stand in a queue in front of the Western toilet, waiting for the current incumbent to finish her disappearing act.
So here's my question to the women out there. What do you prefer: squat or Western? Why? Any toilet horror stories to share?
PS: World Toilet Day is held on 19 November each year to raise global awareness of the 2.6 billion people who don't have basic sanitation. When I read facts like that, I slap myself on the wrist and swear that I will never again complain about squat toilets.
PPS: Women might be mortified by peeing, but poop is a different story. Everybody loves poop. Don’t believe me? Read
this and
this.